Editor’s note: The sentiments expressed herein do not necessarily represent the views of Ye Olde Journalist or Thomas Essel. This is a piece of satire and should be taken as such.

 

I recently sat down with Kristi Fullnekky to ask her about her run for Mayor of Springfield in 2017.

YOJ: Why did you decide to run for mayor?

KF: Well, Thomas, after law school I learned that I could bully 99% of people simply by virtue of being a lawyer and threatening them. That works for peons, like you. But while working in Washington as a proofreader and lackey for the most evil men on the planet (my mentors), I felt a calling into public service. You see, the 1% of people I can’t bully are my financial backers, those individuals (currently) more powerful than me, and the government itself. I also have many clients through my private company who are wanting government contracts, and being the mayor would make it easier to get them those contracts. Being mayor is simply the position in which I can do the most good, both for myself and my clients.

YOJ: What makes you a better Mayoral candidate?

KF: Better than you, Tom? Don’t make me laugh. No seriously, don’t make me laugh. I will sue you for ruining my Botox. You better not be running, you little rat bastard, I will sue you and sick the police on you after you’re homeless!

Oh, you mean better than the other candidates? Be more clear, serf. I’ll be better than the other candidates because I’m the common-sense candidate. I have sensible and financially responsible plans for Springfield; like making the female form illegal, getting sued for that, making panhandling illegal, getting sued for that too, having the police evict the homeless from inside the city with no contingency for housing them elsewhere, paying to arrest the homeless and drive them to a jail two counties over, and drawing out administrative hearings on the city’s dime (600,000 dimes so far.). As I said, financially responsible. I’m also willing to do absolutely anything to win, which is a trait I admire.

I’ve promised the Springfield Police more dogs, the Fire Department Tasers in case they need to subdue those pesky flamers, and I will continue to promise anything I have to, whether or not I have the power to deliver. That’s what winners do. I’m the best. There’s nobody better than me. If there is, tell me who they are and I’ll sue them for defamation of ego. I’m the most financially responsible candidate, so long as you don’t know the difference between a debit and a credit. And I’m a strong leader. That’s why they keep suing me and the city over my decisions.

YOJ: In your Contract with Springfield, you mention you will uphold stricter indecency laws. With the injunction in place, how do you plan to do that?

KF: I’ve put a lot of thought towards that, Timmy. Other cities have gone the opposite direction and given more freedom to women and minorities, but other cities will burn in the fire and brimstone and I simply cannot stand that rotten-egg smell. Had enough of that before I left home. That’s also why I can’t stand the heat. What was your question? Oh yes, dirty whores. My council has informed me that punitively beating and raping harlots to discourage that lifestyle is illegal, and we can’t even violate the constitution in order to discourage that behavior will get us sued again. This is an infringement of MY beliefs, and I intend to counter-sue the nipple people for violating my constitutional right to practice my religion which involves forcing my religion on them. I didn’t write the book, God did. And we all know God is the original founding father. Failing that, I intend to direct the police department to arrest any woman showing nipples, excessive cleavage, buttocks, or stomach. We can’t charge them with indecency, but we can charge them with disturbing my peace. Or homelessness. What do we arrest the homeless for again? We’ll arrest them for that.

YOJ: In your contract with Springfield, you promise to bring back the In God We Trust issue, why?

KF: Because my voters really like it. I trust God, deeply, passionately, with all my heart and soul and nethers. But many people don’t. That’s why we need to have those words so prominently displayed everywhere, Jimmy. When they go into court, go to pay their hard-earned money on traffic tickets, are about to get shot by our fine boys in blue, or have already been shot by our fine boys in blue… I want “In God We Trust” prominently displayed nearby. Because if you don’t trust in God, there’s nobody else to trust. And that’s important. Also, I’m contractually obligated by my theocratic sponsors to mention “God” or “Family” as often as possible.

YOJ: Recently, your colleague Justin Burnett came out against In God We Trust and in favor of E Pluribus Unum if any motto were to be displayed. How do you feel about that?

KF: Justin Burnett and I have had a falling out. After he took an anonymous suggestion to “stop being a dick” as one of his Lent resolutions, he seems to have been infected by a do-gooder spirit instead of the Holy Spirit. He’s stopped listening to Dee Wampler, his church and his brother for all his decisions, and what everyone said was a benign tumor that he’s had since childhood turned out to be the beginnings of a spine. But there’s also a chance he might just change his mind again.

YOJ: When the city had a 4 million dollar surplus, you wanted to give it to the police department. Now you are saying the city should have spent the money that is going towards the investigation against you on poor people. Why did you not want to give the 4 million dollars to help the poor of Springfield and why is that an issue you are taking up now?

KF: Well Joshua, in business you have certain startup costs inherent to the first 1-2 years of operation. When I made the city my business, I was wary about spending money because 1) I didn’t know what those startup costs would be, and 2) I also hadn’t had a chance to find out how much I could expense out to the city. Now I know that the answer is 1) a lot, and 2) almost none legally. I knew that the Police Department, as a wholly owned division of the City government, is a wonderful way to either launder or waste money. The Christian County Sheriff taught us that with his tank, rocket launcher, machine guns, C4 explosives cache under the courthouse, and doomsday food stockpile. When so much of a department is inventoried either on post-it notes or in the heads of men who suffer frequent explosive concussions, it’s easy to make a little money slip into my pockets. But the homeless? Have you ever tried to get money BACK from the homeless? They always claim they don’t have any. And stick to that line even when your manservant shakes them by their ankles. Plus, they’re dirty and filthy, and as a rule they don’t have an address for me to serve lawsuits or decent assets to garnish.

YOJ: What is the greatest threat Springfield faces today? What are you going to do, if elected Mayor, to prevent or mitigate it?

KF: Real or imagined, Jonas? Because I worry about Mothra sometimes. It’s like a giant ugly homeless butterfly that spits sticky gunk and lightning bolts.

Greatest real threat? The homeless. Or nipples. Or taxes. Do I have to pick one? If I did, it would be a homeless female tax collector running around topless.

YOJ: In your campaign for city council, you spent around $84,000 to secure your election, which is more than most state senators spend. Since city council is unpaid, do you consider that a good investment? With your recent complaints about the city not helping the poor, would that $84,000 have been better spent as a private citizen through donations or other charitable works?

KF: I intend to take it all back, with interest. Either by helping my clients secure contracts I will soon have influence over, taking advantage of Missouri campaign finance law which allows candidates to keep donations as personal income, or as an investment in my future takeover of this state and the rest of the world. And Tomas, I misspoke earlier. I wasn’t complaining about this city not helping the poor. I was complaining about the city not helping to get rid of the poor. If they’re not willing to work, I’m sure as hell not giving them a penny of MY money or the city’s money, which is also my money. Let them get money from who is supposed to take care of that: God. He gives me money all the time, when the churches fund my campaign. Why can’t the poor just hold fundraisers?

 

Note: Ye Olde Journalist has reached out to the real Kristi Fulnecky, giving her a chance to answer the same questions. If Mrs. Fulnecky decides to answer the questions, they will be posted on Ye Olde Journalist’s page without being edited.

Image: Fulnecky for Springfield / Facebook